‘They’ are enough too
Words by Amanda Tuckerman. You can catch Amanda’s classes every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday
Last week I wrote about the fact you are enough. By extension, and possibly a little bit harder to accept in some cases, is the fact that everyone else is also enough…. Yes, even the people that push ALL of your buttons – from the ones who make you see red with rage, who get under your skin just by being in the same room to the ones who have caused you hurt and pain.
These people are our greatest teachers if we allow them to be. They shine a light on the places of ourselves that need some attention, some acknowledgement and some healing.
This is quite often referred to as ‘shadow work’ and it is only by going to these places that we truly begin to understand all parts of ourselves.
The people who trigger us the most currently or in the past have been providing us with an opportunity to see these parts of ourselves by holding up a mirror.
How do you react to people who make you feel angry, hurt or irritated?
Quite possibly your first reaction is to want to get these people as far away from you as possible. You may then tell others about how horrible, annoying, lazy stupid etc, etc this person is and all of a sudden the blame for your feelings is placed squarely at the feet of another.
Everyone else in the world is doing the best they can with what they have. Unless there are severe mental and emotional circumstances, the people around you are not waking up in the morning and asking themselves how they can upset you today.
Just like you, they are focused on trying to be happy. In the most basic form and on the simplest level isn’t that what we are all striving to be?
Therefore, by acknowledging that this is the place from which the actions of everyone around us are taking place, is there then another way that we can begin to see the people who cause us to have strong negative emotions within ourselves? Can we remove the blame that is so often cast ‘out there’ and instead look within to where the feelings have been generated?
Can we find the courage to use the information presented to us by others to deep dive into the parts of ourselves that we try desperately to hide – even from ourselves?
It means that full responsibility needs to be taken by you for yourself. No more giving your power away to others and no more sitting in a victim space with the mindset that everything is being done TO you.
I hold the belief that we are all tied together in an intricate web. This earth is like a big university for soul growth and we are all here to learn our own personal lessons.
Our connection to each other has meant that we have a commitment to teaching each other and to learning from each other. As I mentioned, others are not walking around with the deliberate intention to hurt you or to make you feel uncomfortable but when we notice our reactions to others and question our feelings rather than their actions we may begin to notice that the first step to change is actually within us.
If you look back through your life and think about the people who have hurt or upset you, is there a common theme or pattern? Ie, have you always attracted bosses who make you feel powerless and as though you have no voice? Or maybe you have attracted partners who have been emotionally unavailable.
Whatever the pattern is, life will keep sending you this type of person until you get the lesson that is in it for you. You can move jobs and you can change partners – you can even move overseas and start a whole new friendship group and leave your old life behind only to find that the same people with different faces are appearing in front of you.
There is only so long that you can keep blaming everyone else before realising that the only common denominator in your life is you. At first this may be a very hard and bitter pill to swallow but once you look past this you will find that it is actually totally empowering and allows you full control over your own life.
No longer will you be swayed by the actions of others and whatever comes up in front of you because at the first sign of a trigger (anger, hurt, jealousy etc) you will go deep within and find the cause of the angst.
For example – you may come across someone who is really, really confident. In your mind you may hear yourself saying things like ‘Who do they think they are? They are so arrogant and self obsessed, I can’t stand them and I NEVER want to be like that.’
If you then look into the feeling that this person has generated, you may find that you are actually in envy of them because they are backing themselves 100% and you actually crave the confidence that they have however because you don’t yet have it you are putting them down for it instead building it within yourself.
You can continue to dislike this person and all people with confidence or you can find ways to build your own confidence.
This is how actual change happens. If you don’t make changes within, there will be limited opportunity for life to change in general.
Not only do you get to know yourself on a deeper level, it also means that you begin to let others off the hook. You don’t place so much responsibility on others to keep you happy and lock them in with your expectations so relationships with others begin to change – you set yourself free and by extension you set others free.
Tags: enough, philosophy, self transformation, yoga